Scrolling and digging

I keep looking at your “social media pages” as my mother would call them. 

I couldn’t for so long without crying or that thing inside me feeling like it had broken again.

I can look now, but only for so long and then I have to get away from Anything Online at all. I have to go outside and breathe, to pet a fluffy mammal until my heart beats calm and panicky feelings subside.

There is just so much there, and so many people writing to you like you are still here. I have to dig forever to find you, the things you said and posted, not other people’s thoughts and feelings.

That’s what I can’t stand, I look to try and feel closer. But it just makes you seem further- scrolling through days and months and now years to get back to that part of you, frozen in a computer.

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