I keep looking at your “social media pages” as my mother would call them.
I couldn’t for so long without crying or that thing inside me feeling like it had broken again.
I can look now, but only for so long and then I have to get away from Anything Online at all. I have to go outside and breathe, to pet a fluffy mammal until my heart beats calm and panicky feelings subside.
There is just so much there, and so many people writing to you like you are still here. I have to dig forever to find you, the things you said and posted, not other people’s thoughts and feelings.
That’s what I can’t stand, I look to try and feel closer. But it just makes you seem further- scrolling through days and months and now years to get back to that part of you, frozen in a computer.
It’s been less than two years since you’ve been gone, 642 days.
It’s less than two months til my wedding, 54 days.
I finally got the proposal ring you left for me and Leon resized, it only took me 483 days. It’s beautiful of course, you’d be amazed how shiny.
I so badly wish you were here for all this, I have so much to tell you, so much I wish I could hear your opinion on. Not just wedding things, everything. I feel like my whole life is changing, and without you it’s just… I don’t know.
Sometimes I feel like you are slipping away and I can barely remember you, I am so afraid of forgetting you, of forgetting any part of you. Then sometimes I feel like I know everything about you, like the memories are too vivid.
I’ve stopped hating seeing your things in our house, all the things you never got around to taking when you had to move out, when I couldn’t do it all, and you wouldn’t let me. I wish I had been able to do more.
I’m sure you left a lot of it on purpose, both out of being sick of moving, and being sick and I like to imagine you knew they would comfort me one day.
I miss you baby.
Every place I go without you is (to use a laborious analogy) like Schrodinger’s cat. You are both there and not there, but then I know.
The subconscious expectation to see you, to hear you yell my name obnoxiously across a room, my smile is already getting ready, and then the realisation that you are gone. You are not just not here, you aren’t just not coming tonight. You are gone.
You are alive in these old places before I see them. I never want to see them all.
Why did we go to so many places and do so many things together? Nowhere is safe.
I didn’t ask you any of the big questions.
I didn’t ask you if you were afraid.
I didn’t want to make you sad. I don’t know, maybe I was trying to spare myself from hearing it, rather than spare you from saying it. Besides, I think I thought I knew the answers, it’s only now I feel like I don’t.
Maybe that is in part due to forgetting, every damn day is a new day without you.
Or maybe it is just the usual self doubt and second guessing.
Maybe it is because I am less without you, and because I am afraid to say; Yes. I did know you that well, I knew you and loved you enough to know what was in your heart.